One of the funniest things from SNL.
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Dont ever swallow gum
I was chewing gum the other day in my calculus class to stay awake. When I suddenly fell asleep for a couple of seconds, I choked and swallowed my gum. On the good side at leat i didnt turn out like these people.
On Fake IDs
Your first order of business when making a fake id should be to try to make it look like a real one.
But if you are Jose Pacheco that may be kind of hard to grasp.
Some things wrong with this ID.
1. First of all take a picture of yourself ONLY next time
2. And nobody lives on a highway, look at the address
But if you are Jose Pacheco that may be kind of hard to grasp.
Some things wrong with this ID.
1. First of all take a picture of yourself ONLY next time
2. And nobody lives on a highway, look at the address
Sardar Joke
One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks
suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby
and then came back on the tracks.
The passengers were horrified. On the next Railway station the
driver was caught : He was found to be a Sardar .
He was questioned . He explained that there
was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving
from there even after lots of honks etc .
Then authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! just to
save life of one person you put life of so many passengers
under danger.You should have overran that person .
Sardar said : Exactly, that is what i also decided, but this idiot
started running towards the field when the train came very close.
suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby
and then came back on the tracks.
The passengers were horrified. On the next Railway station the
driver was caught : He was found to be a Sardar .
He was questioned . He explained that there
was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving
from there even after lots of honks etc .
Then authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! just to
save life of one person you put life of so many passengers
under danger.You should have overran that person .
Sardar said : Exactly, that is what i also decided, but this idiot
started running towards the field when the train came very close.
Yeak of the Pig Humor!
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy
if, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work
in other words, Human that don't know how to enjoy = pigs that work
Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money
if Men - earn money = Pigs
in other words, Men that don't earn money = Pigs
Women = eat + sleep + spend
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Women = Pigs + spend
if, Women - spend = Pigs
In other words, Women that don't spend = Pigs
Summary:
Men earn money not to let women become pigs!
Women spend not to let men become pigs!
Men + Women = 2 Pigs
Wish All the Pigs Happy Forever.
Another Faith Joke
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find
me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me
life and give up me Irish Whiskey."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said
"Never mind. I found one."
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find
me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me
life and give up me Irish Whiskey."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said
"Never mind. I found one."
McDonalds Job Application
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Funny Joke (Kinda)
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large
cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then traveled to Pakistan, Srilanka, Russia, Germany and France.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone
with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to India to see if Indians had the same phone.
He arrived in India, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but everywhere the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in India now, son - it's a local call".
KEEP SMILING
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large
cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then traveled to Pakistan, Srilanka, Russia, Germany and France.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone
with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to India to see if Indians had the same phone.
He arrived in India, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but everywhere the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in India now, son - it's a local call".
KEEP SMILING
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